In the good old Soviet days Slava Bykov was a great hockey player. He was also an orphan. Coach Tykhonov was his father and the Communist Party was his mother.
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Then the good old days were gone and he became a coach. At first it looked he would serve his Russia and its reformed Party well as he won two world titles.
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But very soon things started to go wrong. First he lost to Canada at the Olympics. Then he lost the world title to the Czecs.
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Eventually he lost ... well, he lost what a man simply can`t afford to lose.
Moskva, poslopje Lubjanke, kletni prostori. Glasnost in perestrojka sem še nista posegli. Po uradih še vedno visijo slike Lenina, Stalina … in Tihonova. V umazani celici ječi zapornik; gol, kot ga je rodila mati, z verigami priklenjen na vlažno steno. Vstopi KGB-jevec.
"Posjeta!"
Zapornik trudoma dvigne okrvavljeno glavo. Vstopi Putin.
"Tavarišč, tavarišč, spasite menja!"
"Ts, ts, ts, Vjačeslav Ivanovič, ja ti skazal kak tebe čeka kazna, ak izgubjiš finale sa Česima"
"Njet gulag, njet gulag!!!"
"No, harašo, njet gulag. Budješ danas na kasilu sa mnom i prezidentom Medvjedjevim."
"O spasiva, spasiva tavarišč. A što budjet na meniju?"
Putin pomigne KGB-jevcu, ki potegne ogromno mačeto.
"BYKOVA JAJCA!!!!"
"Tavariiiiiiiiiiiiiiii"
"Posjeta!"
Zapornik trudoma dvigne okrvavljeno glavo. Vstopi Putin.
"Tavarišč, tavarišč, spasite menja!"
"Ts, ts, ts, Vjačeslav Ivanovič, ja ti skazal kak tebe čeka kazna, ak izgubjiš finale sa Česima"
"Njet gulag, njet gulag!!!"
"No, harašo, njet gulag. Budješ danas na kasilu sa mnom i prezidentom Medvjedjevim."
"O spasiva, spasiva tavarišč. A što budjet na meniju?"
Putin pomigne KGB-jevcu, ki potegne ogromno mačeto.
"BYKOVA JAJCA!!!!"
"Tavariiiiiiiiiiiiiiii"
Next year he was given a final chance, but he was never the same man again. In fact, he wasn`t a man at all. Not any more.
Putin: "Nu tak, Vjačeslav Ivanovič, danas tvaj dan D, igraš sa zbarnajo od Kanade."
Bikov (z zelo visokim glasom): "Tak to znam, tavarišč, mi danas igrali za vas, za prezidenta Medvjedjeva i za našu Rossiju."
Mimo ravno pride Ricky Nash: "Hi, guys!"
Putin: "Haj, Ricky, ju nou aur kouč Bykov?"
"Sure, he used to be a great player, but his coaching seems to lack some balls!"
Putin (se namuzne):" Vel, ju never nou, samtajms it ken bi en edvantidž tu hev nou bols end plej it sejfli..."
Ricky (odhaja): "Whatever, see you Ruskies tonight."
Bikov (skrivajoč se za Putinom zacvili s še višjim glasom): "Tavarišč, tavarišč, kak on zna, kak on zna, ja ne skazal nikome..."
Bikov (z zelo visokim glasom): "Tak to znam, tavarišč, mi danas igrali za vas, za prezidenta Medvjedjeva i za našu Rossiju."
Mimo ravno pride Ricky Nash: "Hi, guys!"
Putin: "Haj, Ricky, ju nou aur kouč Bykov?"
"Sure, he used to be a great player, but his coaching seems to lack some balls!"
Putin (se namuzne):" Vel, ju never nou, samtajms it ken bi en edvantidž tu hev nou bols end plej it sejfli..."
Ricky (odhaja): "Whatever, see you Ruskies tonight."
Bikov (skrivajoč se za Putinom zacvili s še višjim glasom): "Tavarišč, tavarišč, kak on zna, kak on zna, ja ne skazal nikome..."
And things went wrong again. Very wrong. This time he couldn`t even win a medal.
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He got scared. Realy scared. In fact he was so scared that he tried to run from the big Red Machine. But he couldn`t. No one can.
BREAKING NEWS
Coach Slava Bykov in jeopardy
From our correspondent in Bratislava
An incident ocurred in Bratislava, Slovakia yesterday involving Russian national hockey team coach Slava Bykov. He was seen trying to climb the wall of the Canadian embassy only to be brutally pulled down and pushed into a limousine.
Several eyewitnesses claim that coach Bykov appeared suddenly at the sight of the embassy trying to force his way over the wall surrounding it and had infact almost reached the top when a black limousine suddenly pulled over at the scene. Out of the limousine emerged the 6ft 5" tall figure of Russian bully player Yevgeni Artyuchin, who pulled coach Bykov down and forced him into the limousine. One eyewitness even claims to have seen Russian PM Mikhail Putin sitting in the backseat of the car.
A statement about the alleged incident was later issued by Russian team spokeswoman Natasha Brezchutnaya stating that at no time was there any force applied against coach Bykov except for the necessary measures of containment concerning his own personal security. Miss Brezchutnaya stated that his (Bykov`s) actions are to be viewed as consequences of his mental state after suferring two consecutive defeats at the hands of the Finns and the Czechs. She said that coach Bykov was ill and will be treated appropriately with all the necessary medical care and attention. According to Brezchutnaya he is now »resting at home in Russia and feeling better«. She also strongly denied any involvement of Russian PM Putin in the incident but admitted Artyuchin`s role, praising him as »a true hero and comrade who is totally devoted to his coaches safety and wellbeing«. She subsequently refused to take any further questions from the press.
CNN has since learned that coach Bykov made enquires about the whereabouts of the Canadian embassy in Bratislava with some of the Canadian players when stumbling upon them at the hotel late last night, but today none of the Canadians was available for any official statement verifying yesterday`s events. In fact all of the Canadian players allegedly involved with coach Bykov have swiftly flown home.
They didn`t ask any questions. And even if they had, he couldn`t have answered. He simply dissapeared somewhere in Siberia. As did so many before him.
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Coach Bykov`s probable final resting place
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